Best Friend Blues

So my son just found out that his best friend is probably not coming back to their school for sixth grade next year. Uh! Might as well just stick a steak knife in my chest! This is my oldest son, who is 10. He's not like his little brother who has a stable of friends and is quite social. The older one is a bit shy, and a nervous kid. He has been best friends with this kid since first grade, and does not have a lot of other friends; he never really invites other kids over to the house, or gets invited to many birthday parties. This one particular friend is essentially the majority of his social life. His teacher says he gets along with everyone, which I believe. But my son is a one-friend type of guy and now this friend will no longer be around.

Now, I'm not sure this is a completely bad thing. Maybe it will force him to explore other friendships, and push him to be a bit more socially aggressive. But it's tough; these kids have been in elementary school together for years, and social groups are established, and there is very little 'new blood' to investigate. I think my son is getting a bit tired of all the same faces, none of which really appeal to him, and is somewhat ready to move on himself.

My husband agrees that this may not be the worst thing in the world, and says this is the way life goes sometimes. And that kids have to learn how to deal with it. Yes, that may be true, but why? Why is life so cruel sometimes? Why can't I just pack my kids in bubble wrap, send them off to tooth fairy land, and protect them from all the ills of life? I just don't want them to have to encounter adversity. I just want them to be comfortable and happy - all the time. However, as I write this, I realize that if that were the case, they would probably turn into spoiled brats. I loath entitlement. I am not a believer in the 'school or hard knocks' approach to child rearing, but I do think to overcome difficulty builds character, and is a valuable lesson.

Well, it doesn't matter what I want. It's going to be what it's going to be, and he'll have to deal with it weather I like it or not. I just hope he doesn't turn into some incarcerated, homeless, drug addict all because his best friend moved away in 5th grade.

Where are my Bon Bons?

OK, so why is it that when people know you're a stay-at-home-mom people think you have so much time on your hands? Why do they think you're eating the proverbial Bon-Bons all day (I don't even know what a Bon-Bon is!), watching soap operas, painting your nails and having 'lunch with the girls'? Even my mother thinks this, and she was a SAHM!

Now, I have kids in school, so that supposedly frees up my day between 9:00 and 3:00 (and working part time seems to not count). However, I find that being bogged down with the massive of amount of mundane activities that it takes to maintain a family and household is overwhelming and a lot of work. There is always more to do, and nothing ever gets completely done. Maybe I'm just not good at it, but I find that I am busier at home then I am at work. At work you can procrastinate, talk on the phone a bit, go to the bathroom, extend your lunch hour a few minutes. Especially when you're home with a baby, you can't even get time to shower.

I feel frazzled by the end of my day. I never felt that way when I was working full time. I do have to admit, that if I was working full time, I don't know how I would get anything done. I guess I would have other people helping me do what I do. And my husband would have to kick in more. And I guess some things would be sacrificed, like like clean laundry and fresh food. And I would have to be very organized, which after having kids, is something that I am no longer able to do. I just think at work, I can focus on my task at hand, where at home there are about 2 dozen tasks at hand.

Maybe I should go back to work full time and relax a bit. But then I would have to take a shower every day and look presentable. Humm. I'll have to give this one some thought.

Family Vacation

Boy, it's been a long time since I wrote. I've been out of town on a vacation with the family for a while. We went to Las Vegas and Los Angeles, accompanying my husband on a business trip. It was fun, but traveling with kids is hard: eating in restaurants 3 times a day, the constant fighting between the 2 of them, the crankiness because they haven't gotten their full 10 hours of sleep, etc. I find traveling with children a bit of a tease; there is so much to do and see, but it's hard to enjoy it because of all the distractions. The best vacations we have are when we plop down for a few weeks in some fun place, rent a cabin or something like that (with a kitchen) and just take day trips from home base. It doesn't feel as stressful.

Anyway, all and all we had a good time. We were in Las Vegas for 24 hours, and let me tell you that was about all I could take. It was quite a spectacle - the ultimate bastion of Americana. The place has turned into a giant shopping mall. One casino after the next had these endless indoor mazes of high end shops and restaurants. The actual betting parlors seemed almost secondary. And there are no windows or clocks, which is obviously designed so people get lost in the void of loosing their money. But it's so crazy because all the ceilings are painting like the sky! Anyway, the kids liked it for a while, but there is only so many stores little boys can take.

After our day in Vegas we drove through the dessert to Los Angeles and stayed in Santa Monica. LA was much better this time then the previous times I had been there. Being an East Coast girl, I always cringed at the West Coast life, particularly Southern California. I always balked at the laid back attitude, and found the pace frustrating. Being born and raised in New York City (yep, the upper west side of Manhattan!) gives one an edge they just can't shake. I used to feel Southern CA was unsophisticated and shallow, and was driven by appearance and performers, where NY was a place where people aspired to be cultural, intellectual and worldly.

However, I have to admit this time around I appreciated the Southern California life much more. As I'm getting older, I like slowing down a bit, 'smelling the roses' so to speak, and living more in the present. What's the rush? So much is missed. Especially having kids, every once and a while I realize that this time is so fleeting. Sooner then I want to admit my kids will be grown up, and their childhood will be over. I want to savor these moments, and often wish I did a better job of it.

Anyway, we had a good time hiking in the Hollywood Hills, walking down the boardwalk at Venice Beach, shopping at the 3ed street promenade. It was fun, though too many homeless. To amuse the kids on the long drives across town (Jesus, there is a lot of driving there!) we would play a game we invented call 'The Bulldog Game'. This game is a bit mean, and completely NOT politically correct (my fellow social workers would banish me if they knew) but kept us endlessly amused. There were so many homeless around, that we all began to feel bad when the kids would shout 'look Mom, another bum!', so I asked my little one to come up with a code name so we wouldn't hurt their feelings. He came up with 'Bulldog'. Then we added a point system; a bum sighting was worth 10 points, a bum sighting with a shopping cart was 20 points, a sighting of a 'bum campsite' as we called it was 30 points, and all three was the jackpot - 50 points. In an unfortunate irony, this lent to hours of fun.

The vacation was a nice break from the routine, and we came back all fairly refreshed. Going back to school tomorrow is going to be hard; we're still sleeping until 10:00. But we all better get with the program; I don't want my kids turning into Bulldogs.

What's wrong with TV?

Wow, I'm beat. This is the first chance I've had to sit down in a while. Today is Saturday, and It's been hectic. We've been running around with the kids since 9:00am, going from one activity to the other.

Usually, on weekend mornings we stick the kids in front of the TV or computer for a few hours so we can sleep late or lounge around. I know I could be shot for saying that, but it's true. I realize I use the TV and video games too much, but it's crutch I can't do without. I justify it (in my own head) by telling myself this: firstly, they are smart, motivated kids. They are not violent; they don't talk about shooting people or blowing things up. They are not running around, acting and talking like Spongebob Square Pants, and even if they did it wouldn't bother me that much (though it would be funnier if they acted and talked like Patrick). The shows they watch, and the games they play seem relatively harmless. They are academically more then sound. They are emotionally solid, and though the little one is a bit temperamental and hard to contain at times, I don't think TV or computer games has much to do with that. That has more to do with temperament.

I also feel that there is nothing wrong with turning into a vegetable for a bit after a demanding day. These kids work hard! School is tough; they gotta sit there all day, pay attention to the teacher, learn stuff, deal with jackasses (teachers and kids alike), and eat crummy lunches that are warm and stale from sitting in lunch boxes all day. Listen, I'm not knocking school; it's very important, and I push my kids to learn, and make sure they are trying their best. But after a day of dealing with all that, I don't blame them if they want to vegetate for a bit. Would I rather them relax by reading a book, or drawing a picture, or doing something educational or creative? Of course! But this is the way my kids like to relax sometimes, and I say let them indulge. And look, I'm not completely neglectful. I make sure they don't watch things that are inappropriate, and I set limits on the amount of time, and I supplement their lives with other activities.

I also don't believe in being overly restrictive. When I was young my parents let us only watch TV on the weekends, and we had no sweets in the house. Now that I'm a grown up, I love TV, especially BAD TV, and I love junk food. So, my theory is (and I am a good example) too much restriction will back fire. Too much 'forbidden fruit' makes you want that thing all the more. My little son had a friend - a really bright, well behaved kid. But every time he comes over to our house he's dying for a cookie, and will cry if I don't let him play X-Box. See what I mean? I really believe the more taboo something is, the more the kid wants it. Now am I going to smoke a joint with my kids, or let him have a beer with their spaghetti-Os for dinner? No. But you know what I mean. Moderation baby - it's the key to life.

My final justification is, everyone has their weakness, right? Mine just happens to be letting my kids watch too much TV and play too much video games. I don't beat them, or lock them in the basement, or not feed them. I'm around a lot. I tend to them a lot. I worry about them a lot. This is not much to ask for.

Boy, I just realized I'm doing a lot of convincing that what I'm doing is OK. And who am I talking to? Me. I guess I should just cut myself some slack about all of this. It's hard not being perfect. I'm going to go watch Entertainment Tonight.